Just Because You Have a Baby with Him Doesn't Mean He's "The One"

I think I know too many people with baby-daddy/baby-mama drama. Usually it's not child support issues, but instead it has to do with the relationship between the mother and father.

They start dating. They declare their love for each other. Then there's the honeymoon phase. He stops paying attention to her. She gets desperate to keep him. They have a baby. He's still an asshole. They fight. They break up. They hate each other. They play nice. They fuck. They fight about the same things-- again. He goes back to ignoring her. She gets desperate to keep him. He's still an asshole. They fight. They hate each other. They place nice. They fuck.
Things seem to change. Things go back to "normal". They fight about the same things-- yet again. And the cycle goes on.

What's even worse about this story is that the child is the one who gets the shitty end of the stick.  

Don't get me wrong, I understand why these women keep going back to HIM. It's usually not because they feel he's their best option for a partner. It's because these women had this pretty picture in their head of this bouncing, happy child with mom and dad on each side, holding hands with each other as they laugh and skip into the sunset (not that this actually happens in real life). This is a very cute picture, and the fact that this picture is only an ideal and not their reality haunts them. They can feel this ideal slipping away faster than they can grab it. The sad part is that it was never in the cards for them.

Okay, that got dark. What I'm trying to say is that women shouldn't force these romantic relationships to work. If anything, they should come to an agreement that they will do their best and be on their best behavior for the child. Is it really so hard?

Some may say that I'm not in any place to give opinions on the subject since I am not a mother and that I should not be giving family advice when I haven't started my own. I agree to some extent; I don't go around telling people how to parent their child-- even when I do have some strong opinions in certain areas. But that is not what I'm doing here. I may not be in a place to give parenting advice, but I've been in plenty of relationships - both romantic and platonic - to know what fundamentally works and what doesn't. So before you get all high and mighty on me, sit the fuck down and listen...

What you want no longer matters. Let me be clear: every choice you make affects your child. You have brought a child into this world and trying to make a relationship work that is toxic isn't going to make the situation any better. Instead of focusing your energy on how to make a romantic relationship work with your baby daddy, how about developing a relationship that benefits your child? A baby may not remember quarrels between mom and dad, but once they get older they definitely will. 

Your baby daddy will not change no matter how hard you try to initiate it. You can't make anyone change unless they want to. It's that simple. Talking about self-improvement is different than taking action. Any boy can promise you the world, but only a man keeps his word. If he doesn't want to make changes to improve your relationship, there's no point. As sad as that sounds, it's the truth.

Waiting around for him isn't going to help your case, either. All you're doing is wasting time hoping for something that may never come. If he doesn't find you worthy, why would you want someone who doesn't appreciate you?

Remember that whatever you decide, you are setting an example for your child. Do you want your children to think fighting parents who hate each other is the norm? Do you want your children to think self-respect isn't important in a relationship?  Do you want them to think that they're the reason the two of you fight? Do you want them wishing their life was different?

I'm sure you don't. 

No matter what you decide, just remember that the way you raise your children and the environment that surrounds them will influence their future. Nurture it and protect it-- don't ruin it.