What am I Doing?

This is a question I ask myself quite too often. Of course, I'm not questioning what I'm literally doing at the exact moment that I'm asking myself (although lately, it seems that my multi-tasking interrupts my train of thought and I catch myself walking into a room forgetting why I'm even there). I'm sure the majority of us have asked ourselves this question too many times to count. 

What am I doing? Is this job going to provide me with the necessary tools to go further in my career? Is this certification really going to improve my chances of getting the job I desire? Did I choose the right major to get into the industry I want to work in? Are my choices going to help me achieve my goals? Am I truly happy with my current situation?

As a recent college graduate working two jobs in completely different fields for the past five years, I was torn between choosing one industry over the other. At the same time, I wanted to consider other industries that piqued my interest. The more I read and researched, the harder it became to choose.

Now that I've been on the hunt these past few months for a career path that will fulfill my needs, I have discovered that most jobs that I want require years of experience in areas that I don't posses. I feel like I'm back at square one.

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For a woman in her mid-twenties who can't afford to only work one part-time job or for free, how do I get the experience I need to acquire director-level roles down the line while still making enough income to pay the rent and endless bills?

It was time for me to consider that the reason why I couldn't seem to decide what to do was because I was overthinking it. I already knew the answer.

What if I'm not as good as I think I am? What if I screw things up for the company I work for? What if I end up making a complete fool of myself? What if I ruin my chances of getting to where I want to be?

What if.

I'm so tired of thinking about the what ifs. It occurred to me while I was at an interview for my ideal position at an amazing company in downtown L.A. During a discussion about my qualifications and experiences with one of the interviewers that met with me, the fact that I didn't have a full-time managerial role in a similar position before was brought up. I was already well aware that the position I applied for was going to be challenging and hard work, but I would never apply for a job I know I cannot do. My interviewer shared with me that they once had doubts of taking the role they had because of the responsibility it entails and the fear of doing terribly and failing. And that's when it clicked. I am so terrified of getting the job I want and failing.

I am afraid of failing.

Typically, I hate clichés. They annoy me to say the least, and they are simply unoriginal. Then again, I once had a boss who only knew how to speak in clichés, which is probably why I can't stand them. But that's a story for another time.

I'm taking a leap of faith. 

I'm going to be taking a leap of faith. So many signs were thrown at me for several weeks now and I wasn't paying attention. Instead of being paralyzed in this state of misery and dissatisfaction, I should take myself out of this toxic situation that is only causing this built up bitterness and anger that I can feel rising within. It's only a matter of time before it starts to seep out until I can no longer contain it. Those are not the emotions I want to release to those around me.

What's horrifying is that so many of us forget to take the time to do the things that we love. I became so preoccupied with trying to make a living that I forgot the soothing effects of simply grabbing a pen and transferring my thoughts onto paper. I forgot the fact that writing has always been an efficient way of expressing my ideas and relieving mental and physical stress (especially during the first couple years of college). 

I will never forget that again.

Becoming a writer has always been a dream of mine. I acknowledge the fact that I'm not particularly great at it right now but that is something that can be improved with practice and time. Reading a lot definitely helps. So many thoughts go through my mind at 100 mph without the intention of slowing down or coming to a halt. Writing calms my mind and seems to be the only way to bring me peace. I'm sure most writers can relate. 

Don't get me wrong - I haven't forgotten the monthly bills I have to pay. A lady can have more than one passion.

So, I'm going to be an amateur writer - for now - and going for the positions at companies with cultures where I know I can thrive. Feeling limited, powerless and invisible is no longer an option. The fact that I dread going to work most days is an indication for me to move the heck on and be meticulous with my job search. Fearing failure is no longer an option. I have worked hard to get myself to where I am now, but I know I deserve better.

My words may sound naive and I'm positive many more before me have recited those same words, and that's okay.

And perhaps, YOU deserve better too.